James Bond - YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE REVIEW

You only live thrice. The 5th iteration of James Bond is one of my favorites!

Opening Sequence – Nancy Sinatra sings the opening track. She has a wonderful voice but it lacks the full body that others have brought to the opening. It must be like a fruity, rich and deep cabernet sauvignon. I never thought I could say anything bad about the woman who married the king, but I must be honest with you, my beloved readers. John Barry is back for more of his great composing. Since most of this film is set in Japan, Barry drops some Asian influence into his licks. This soundtrack, besides Nancy’s ineptitudes, is one of Bond’s greatest. Beautiful mellow melodies mixed with faster-paced rhythms let’s the album run the gamut, from the gizzard to the giblets.

Girls – Helga Brandt is the villain lady. She has red hair and supple breasts. What else could you expect? Her method of trying to assassinate Bond was pretty ingenious… just kidding (see next section – “Perils and escapes”). Her death was rather impressive though. Helga gets eaten by a gaggle of flesh eating piranha. I’m glad she went in such a gruesome way, I never really liked her that much anyway. There are plenty other ladies, mostly Asian. The two that really matter are Aki and Kissy. Aki has to be one of the most beautiful Asian ladies I have ever seen. Drop dead dope-nasty. She is everything you’d want in a woman. She has the humility of the Japanese but doesn’t fall into quietism or passivity. This means that after a hard day's work she would probably rub my feet. After helping turn Bond Japanese (both literally and figuratively, if you catch my drift) she gets poisoned by a nifty ninja hidden in the rafters. Then James marries Kissy, a round-faced geisha. Wait just a gosh-darn minute here… NUPTIALS?! A double-o getting’ hitched? To an Asian? You know, a lot of 007 connoisseurs claim that “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”, the film that immediately succeeds this picture, is the first to feature Bond’s bonds of matrimony. I respectfully submit that this picture is the first. What, Japanese weddings not good enough or something? I won’t stand for that xenophobic rubbish.

Perils and Escapes – Helga and Bond fly around in a small prop plane above the Japanese landscape. Helga pushes little red button and a board slaps down on Bond. He is… trapped… what a damn surprise! She jumps out of the plane and gives 007 enough time to get out of his incredibly stupid fisticuffs.

Villains – Ernst Stavro Blofeld is the head of SPECTRE!!! #1!!!! Seeing him for the first time really quelled my qualms. I mean, in the earlier 5 movies you never get to see anything other than his hands groping his white cat. And yes, just like in the Austin Powers movies he has a weird scar going down his face. You never get an explanation for it. He’s just a big ol’ bag of mystery-osity. That doesn’t keep him from telling Bond, at great length, his malignant schemes however. No matter. His plot ruined, he escapes… alive. Which occasions the first time the main antagonist does not perish in a Bond film.

One word about the cat - In one scene, it FREAKS out! There is an explosion really close to it and all of its hair goes on end. Blofeld keeps his composure, but just remember to pay attention to the kitty to make your viewing more pleasurable.

Vehicles and Gadgets – Continuing with the Japanese-ness-ness, the award for greatest car of the film goes to… the Toyota 2000GT!!! Wowzerz, what a car! This was Japan’s answer to Jaguar’s iconic E-type and this is evident through its seductive lines. Its’ also reminiscent of the 68' Corvette Stingray, although a bit more understated.*  Only about 350 were made. The car makes various appearances and since the Q-branch didn’t outfit it with any armaments no true battles were fought in it. Having such a rare breed manifest itself in full physical form is truly delightful. It will never outdo the DB5 of course, but for any car to try would be a futile endeavor. Another super-cool vehicle is the “Little Nelly”. A Gyrocopter that has flame throwers, heat seeking missiles, machine guns and little mines that are attached to little parachutes. Bond dispatches 4 regular sized helicopters with his one Little Nelly.

Evil Lair – A hollow volcano that has a helipad and rocketship launchpad. In Blofeld’s office is a small creek with a couple of killer goldfish. There are goofy 60’s tram stations to get around the inside of the volcano. Stylistically, these little tram carts are the jam. Seriously, this whole lair is “outta sight!!” as one of the Brady’s would say. It has it all! I rate the final battle scene in this lair as the finest among the whole 007 canon.

Memorable Quotation -
Bond: Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?
Mei Ling: You think we better, huh?
B: No, just different. Like Peking Duck is different than Russia caviar, but I love them both.
ML: I give you very best duck.
B: Oh, that would be lovely.

Overall Stigma – One bit that I didn’t mention was that Roald Dahl wrote the screenplay. This is no small detail, I’m sure. I wish to heck that I could have something interesting to say about Docta’ Dahl’s influence. But I don’t. All that I know is that this movie is terrific. So how about that as a correlation?

Oh – and if Karma has to do with anything – which I think it does – then all of the harm that comes to Bond in the ensuing films is totally deserved. He smashes a statue of the Buddha over some henchmen’s head halfway thru this movie. Perhaps this is why Connery went downhill after this one was made.

*Mitchell, Grant. 2008

A word about my Bond experience

Recently I have been watching the old Bonds. I just watched The man with the Golden Gun. This is a historic event because it means that I have *gasp* gone from Sean Connery to Roger Moore. After I finish with the roger moore era I think I will do a compare and contrast between him and Connery. Connery still wins no doubt, but Moore was a pretty good replacement. But now a word on old films.

I think we are all sort of apologetic towards the old Bond films. Instead of willfully suspending one’s disbelief, the viewer is caught in a state of light-hearted incredulity. Mixed with the 60’s milieu and bawdy misogynism one comes out feeling refreshed. Like you just had a warm cup of hot apple cider. Old Bond films are feel good. Contemporary film has focused too much on realism. 007 used to be so suave that it was laughable. Now he really is suave. The humo(u)r is gone. It’s no longer feel good. Its feel serious, for serious. And screw that! Who can take these things seriously anyway? The classic 007 films exemplified this sillyness and for that reason they are more intelligent than the new ones.

James Bond - GOLDFINGER REVIEW

Goldfinger! Finger of Gold! Dedos dorado! I wish I had a finger of gold and everything I touched turned to gold. I don’t even think I would care if my own daughter turned to gold. That way she could pay me back for all those goddamn useless toys I bought that brat.

Opening Sequence – Shirley Bassey has to be the best singer for Bond. How can you not like her? This canary’s voice has both depth and refinement. The lyrics are equally bold as all they reference is gold. John Barry returns for more professional composing. The soundtrack was so popular that it went… gold (seriously). The opening visuals are amusing. Pictures of Bond are projected onto gilded females.

Girls – Galore. Pussy Galore. A name like that could evoke a gaffe from even the most unflappable of individuals. The British are known for their double-speak and innuendo but this is about as ostensible the sexual references can get. In the novel, Pussy is a lesbian, which explains why she surrounds herself with a bountiful bevy of buxom beauties. But in the movie she is an all American straight-shooter, Bond makes sure of that.

Villains – Auric Goldfinger, who is played by an overweight teutonic actor named Gert Frobe, is arguably the most famous of Bond villains. There are a number of reasons that make him stand out. For me, the biggest reason is the fact that he is so powerful but is not connected with SPECTRE. This is chronologically the first 007 movie that doesn’t mention the dastardly organization.  Another reason is that the movie cleverly sows the seeds of sympathy for Goldfinger.  We get to see him play golf, hatch a master plan and try to create a gold Rolls Royce.  There was never a more intimate villain during the Sean Connery era.  Underneath the temper tantrums and evilness, the audience sees a witty, light hearted man that is very likeable.  The fact that his master plan does not include killing anyone is a testament to his amicability.  There is little mystery to him.  He doesn't want to kill anyone, he just wants gold!  Can't a guy just have some friggin gold?

Vehicles and Gadgets – While visiting Q, James gets introduced to his first Aston Martin DB5. Of course all of the ordnance is added, including an ejector passenger seat. During one of the scenes in Switzerland there is a nice juxtaposition between the DB5 and a Ford Mustang. Me? The DB5 wins hands down… my pants.

Evil Lair – Goldfinger has a gold smelting plant and golf club in Switzerland and a horse stable near DC. At his horse stable a bunch of mobsters met to listen to his “Operation Grandslam”. One of them quips, “what is that map doing there?” I don’t know if he is being facetious or not. If he isn’t, he obviously hasn’t been in any evil lairs. Every abode that houses a miscreant has a huge map on the wall. They’re a main stay, a staple. Some evil gay interior decorator probably put them in.

Overall Stigma – This film sure is filled with superlatives. You’ve got Shirley Bassey on the microphone, the first appearance of the DB5, a girl named Pussy Galore, and a nice evil plot to destroy Fort Knox and inflate the price of gold. The most fabulous thing about this movie is that no other franchise, no other story-teller could have put this amount of sensationalism together with such aplomb. BRAVO!!!

James Bond - THUNDERBALL REVIEW

Thunderballz! I started watching the 4th installation of the James Bond series on Thanksgiving morning with high hopes.

Opening Sequence – The thunderball theme song is sung by the man hisselph – Tom Jones. While I am not too partial to men singing the 007 theme song, Mister Jones is quite fitting. His highs are exhilarating and his lows more so. Also – Tom Jones is somewhat of a Bond. While he doesn’t work for MI-6, he does get down with tons of voluptuous 60’s booty. I bet he got more tail than Sean Connery and Roger Moore combined. The visual stimuli is pretty nice. Cutouts in the shape of women’s bodies with multicolored fluids bubbling in the background is fun, if a bit ordinary.

Girls – Domino. Not plural and not the kind you play with your grammy. I find her to be one of the most appealing Bond girls. She’s a beautiful red-headed Parisian with a fitting accent. She’s also not shy. In one scene she states she will kill 007. And yet, in the end she saves his life.

Perils and Escapes – While at a health clinic Bond gets on a machine that is supposed to stretch his spine with slow undulating motions. Unbeknownst to him, some hooligan turns the machine to “eleven”. The stretcher goes into hyper-drive, pulling at ever-faster intervals. The viewer is somewhat torn by this sight. Is the machine lending an auto-erotic helping hand or is Bond making love to the metallic beast? Either way, the Marquis de Sade would be proud. Probably one of Bond’s most comical and innocuous predicaments. I highly recommend it.

Villains – While getting a taste of SPECTRE in the earlier 007 films, this is the first to show us the organization as a whole. The identity of #1 is still ambiguous. His visage hidden by some not-so-clever evil lair architecture. The cat is still there though, forever being stroked by that hand… which is probably pruney from all of the cat oil that has been soaked into it.

One mention about the term SPECTRE. Ian Fleming used the acronym a lot in his stories. One theory of mine is that Fleming read about the term in the Communist Manifesto. The first line of it reads, “There is a spectre haunting Europe – the spectre of communism.” I will leave the conclusions for you to make.

Vehicles and Gadgets – MMMmmm underwater gadgetry painted in 1960’s motifs. You can’t get much better. The Aston martin DB5 makes its’ appearance, albeit for a brief moment. And the weaponry it wields? A pair of spouts on the back that shoot… water. These jets of wah-wah (shouts to Helen Keller!) deftly keep a few henchmen at bay while Bond takes his leave. This is within the first ten minutes of the film. And where does the beautiful DB5 go after that? Somewhere not in the film. Bollocks.

Memorable Quotes – “Why not try some of my conch chowder?”

review you? review me?

since i am trying to keep this blog fresh as andrew jackson's trail of tears, i figured i should be doing more reviews.  i will do anything for you, my noteworthy audience.  but what should i review?  movies are kinda long-winded and there are plenty of eberts that eat shmegma out there.  so howz about you leave a comment and tell me something to review.  if not, then i will just start reviewing random things at my leisure.

A tramp of a company...

Another new company idea!!!  YAY!!!

ok - so you hire a bunch of people to stand on street corners holding signs proclaiming their lack of a job, destitution, down-troddenness... etc.  These "unfortunate employees".... will make money by standing on the roadside.  meanwhile, back at the office, the logistics department will run software that targets the places which "customers" are most likely to give.  the marketing department will run statistics on what cardboard signs work the best.

what to call it...?

Impecunious Inc.

if my mustache could walk

my mustache can walk,

the thoroughfares he sweeps with his crop.

my nose hairs can sing,

an ocean song in the cochlea does ring.

my eyebrows can taste,

sending signals into the olfactory with haste

but what do my cuticles do?

kinesthetics comes quite naturally, who knew?

Business Ideaz

ok, so i would like to begin cataloging some of my business ideas.  you are free to take these ideas and run with them.  well, i suppose i take that back.  if you do use some of my ideas, then you must at least recognize me and make me your corporate executive... something (ces).

my most recent idea came to me while being addicted to this video game named fallout 3.  i go through phases of various addictions, video games being one of them.  keep in mind that i am still recuperating from my shoulder surgery (its been about a week and 3 days now).  this means that i am relegated to low-mobility activities.  this leaves me sitting within the confines of my brothers household with one arm.  hence the poor typing and capitalization skills.

During my college years i had studied religion and philosophy.  you probably understand that philosophy is a whole lot of fun theories.  but how does one study religion?  well there are two main approaches, the anthropological approach and the philosophical approach.  boston university took the latter, so basically i got a double dose of philosophy.  anyway, i am just trying to emphasize how much theory i was exposed to.  i loved it, no doubt but i lacked practical applications.  so, for the past few months i've been interested in things one might consider practical.

therefore i've been reading some books on surviving in the wild as well as watching survivor man (way better than man v wild).  if only a greater percentage of the population knew what to do in serious situations, then the odds of dying/major injury would decrease.  

without further ado, thus is my idea

create a video/computer game that focuses on what to do in extreme situations.  for instance, what to do in a car wreck or if your house catches fire.  studies show that simulations of events are the best way to prepare yourself (without actually having this happen).  the car wreck example and the house catching fire are the two best examples because they probably occur the most.

so what is the incentive for people to do this you might ask?  well, if a customer buys the game and beats it, then he is eligible to go take a test at a designated center.  once he passes the test then his insurance costs will go down.  sounds nice right?  i think if you could lower someones insurance costs then it would be a nice incentive to buy the game.

it might be hard to find quantifiable results from taking these tests... but thats a bridge i would have to cross when i came to it.

whaddya think?  ..sounds good in theory right?

movie review!!

here is a link to this guy who thinks he can save the earth with mushrooms... what a nerdy-poo.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/paul_stamets_on_6_ways_mushrooms_can_save_the_world.html

1 handed typing drugged blog

Ok, so the title of this entry is somewhat convoluted.  My apologies.  However obscure it may be, it is a rather accurate description of my current state.  My left arm is in a sling which results in slow, tedious, one armed typing.  On top of this, i am taking both percocet and oxycodone.  Quite a potent combination.

While i am sitting here typing this my mom is putting ted-hose on my feet.  these are compression stockings so i dont get an embollism in my lower extremities.  my mom complimented my legs, telling me that they are cute.  i wholeheartedly agree.  i have fabulous legs.

Anyway, so my surgery went well.  they numbed my left shoulder/arm which was nice cause i didnt feel a damn thing.  well, now that the numbness is gone, my shoulder friggin hurts.  it feels like it is dislocated but when i take some drugs it feels kinda nice.  i am now in vail but soon to be in denver.  hopefully my mom wont wreck considering there is a lot of ice on the road.  wish me luck.

A few Rantings...

I don't know about your state, but here in Kansas people are afraid ("uh-feared" in Kansan).  Everyone is so afraid of Obama, its like he's the black plague.  Not that its his race that turns people off.  No one would have the gall to admit to any sort of bias because of the color of Obama's skin.  It's that he is a SOCIALIST!!  OH NOOOOO!!!  SOCIALISMSMSMSMS

Look, I'm no idiot.  I know a socialist when I see one.  They usually wear tie-dye shirts and don't have any memories of their past because of LSD.  So is Obama a socialist?

Well, the short answer is no.  

He is a capitalist that enjoys regulation.  How much regulation is up to him.  But by definition, he is not a socialist.

The point of this entry is not to dispute whether or not Obama is a Socialist.  Anyone with half a brain know that he is not.  The point of this entry is to talk about the fear of Obama.  This part of the country (and others) is so afraid of what is going to happen once Obama takes office.  People thrive on fear.

Good Lord above us!  What in hell will happen that is so fearful when Obama get's inaugurated?  

Questionable things my girlfriend has said.

I have dubbed these - "Goofs"

"If you don't do it, it won't get done."

"Does your oven get really hot?"

"Are you on your computer?"  (Whilst talking to me on a video chat).

"Can I put 'preferred customer' in the website for the name on my credit card?"

 - This one I have to give her some props for... it actually said preferred customer on her credit card... and when she put it in the website, it worked.